There were and always have been kids who just can’t wait to grow up. Ready for the next year, the next birthday, to proclaim that they’re a year older.

And let me tell you, I was never one of those kids. The only reason I liked birthdays was because it meant people coming over to my house and eating food and playing with me. I didn’t care about the entire getting older idea. If I could I would stay in pre-school, play with toys all day long, avoid naps and live each day like there was no tomorrow.

I want to go back to a time when boys were just people who had cooties and nothing more. I want to go back to when homework meant coloring in a picture and getting a good job stamp. I want to go back to a time when we had recess. I want to go back to a time when people didn’t expect much from me. I want to go back to a time when becoming friends was as easy as a question.

Tell me, why did I have to grow up? Why do we all have to grow up?

It’s been so long since I’ve actually felt rested, at peace, content. One day will be great and then the next day will throw me into a abyss of loneliness. Sometimes I just question why I even exist. WHY.

I miss the times when asking why meant asking why the sky was blue.

Now why means, why did he have to hurt me? Why do I feel like this? Why do I have to do this homework? Why do I have to go to college? Why do I exist? Why why why why?

I just want to shut my brain off sometimes. Turn off all emotions, turn off everything. I want to stop the anger, the sadness, the feeling of being so helpless. Stop the loneliness and the tears.

When I was little, I cried because I fell on the playground. I cried because someone took my crayon. I cried because the teacher had raised her voice at me. I cried for a completely different set of reasons.

Now, now I cry because I can’t keep myself together. I cry because I can’t stop the feelings of being lonely despite the fact I’m surrounded by people. I cry because that one kid took my heart and never gave it back.

I care too much. Sometimes I get why so many people harden up and refuse to love. Sometimes I understand why people just stop caring. Because it sometimes hurts to care.

Just, why? Why am I here? I’m lost again, so damn lost.